Opinion

Hat Tips: Early Christmas

Hello,
Shirley says I am “Scrooge”. I’m not much into early Christmas. I don’t shop. I don’t decorate. I am critical of those that do.
BY DEAN MEYER
Guest Columnist
I know I shouldn’t be this way. I have grandkids that really look forward to this season. So I am trying to be better. But I still don’t think Black Friday should be a holiday. I am thinking that I shouldn’t have to write a column on “Cyber Monday”, whatever the heck that is.
It has been close to thirty years since I was in the legislature. If I were back I would introduce a bill that no decorations could go up until the tenth of December. After debate, I would be willing to go back to December 1. But absolutely no sooner. Maybe in your own homes. I mean we are not going to have Christmas police that go in and check. But you couldn’t have them outside and no cities could decorate their streets any earlier.
We just wrapped up Thanksgiving. I barely got done eating and thanking and the shopping was starting. And there is no snow on the ground. It is like summertime. You should not be putting up Christmas lights in North Dakota when the temperature is in the sixties and seventies. It just isn’t right.
Last year at this time, we were bucking snow drifts and feeding cows. I guess we are still feeding cows, but that is because the grass didn’t grow. Not because it is covered with two feet of hard snow. And the wind is blowing forty miles an hour and it is hovering around zero.
So I am asking all of you to help me. I am going to start a march on the Capital to put an end to this early Christmas nonsense. Really! We will meet under that big cow at New Salem. If you aren’t aware of where that is, just drive down 94 until you see it. It’s about a hundred and twenty miles west of that big buffalo. Or sixty miles east of those geese along 94. If you don’t know where either of those are, it is maybe best to just stay home.
I would expect the march to attract national attention. So dress appropriately. Wear your Bison, Viking, or Eagle attire. No one from North Dakota has been seen without a Wentz jersey, a Bison jacket, or a Viking helmet for two months. We want them to know who we are.
I don’t expect any violence on the march. But come prepared. Bring some lefsa and hot chocolate. Nothing mellows a person out more than a whole bunch of lefsa washed down with hot chocolate. You Lutherans bring a hotdish. Catholics bring some of that green jello with the marshmallows and carrots in it. I am sure you have some left over. And don’t forget to bring the leftover cranberries. By experience I know they start to get mold on them in two or three months in the refrigerator.
It wouldn’t hurt for some of you hunters to wear camo. Just in case a deer runs by or a late leaving goose flies over. Oh, and bring your schnapps, in case it clouds up and gets cooler. Oh, and somebody bring a case of Coors Light in case the liquor stores are closed that day.
Oh, never mind. Shirley just reminded me the legislature isn’t meeting this year.
Merry Christmas, Bah, humbug,
Dean

Dean Meyer is an area rancher and former North Dakota State Senator. His ‘Hat Tips’ column can be found in papers all across the state.

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