Hat Tips: Pumpkin Carving

Hello, I’m tired of warnings. I mean I am really tired of warnings. The seat belt warning comes on every time I get in the pickup. I do fasten my seat belt. I don’t need a warning.
Guest Columnist
The stove warns me when the burner is hot. I learned as a child not to touch hot stuff. I’ve scars to prove it. All of my pills warn me not to operate heavy equipment after I take the pills. I don’t have any heavy equipment. My mother warned me as a child to carry the scissors pointed down, and don’t run. I don’t carry scissors and I don’t run to this very day.
But this morning it went to far. On the morning news, they had a segment on the danger of carving a pumpkin. I mean we are on the edge of nuclear war and they have news telling me how carve a pumpkin! California is on fire, Montana has burned, oil rig blows up in Texas, a bomb destroys Somalia, Congress can’t agree on anything, mass shootings, and they warn me about carving a pumpkin. Sheesh!
Then Shirley began a litany of the times I have cut myself. Even my grandkids warn me when I pick up a knife. Be it to castrate a calf, cut the net wrap off a bale, or open a bag of dog food.
I have gone to the emergency room more than once in my life with a knife stuck in my kneecap, or a boot full of blood from trying to cut the head off a deer. If you are looking for someone to help you in a knife fight, I’ll be the guy with the gun.
Anyway, back to the pumpkin.
It said to carve it in a well-lit place. I guess that is pretty self-evident. I mean, have you ever heard of anyone cutting a pumpkin up in the dark?
You are supposed to have a clean, dry towel on hand. I just assumed that is to soak up the blood after you cut your finger off.
Refrain from using alcohol when carving that stupid pumpkin. I mean what kind of people use alcohol when carving a face on a pumpkin. “Slate, grab me another beer while I put a big red nose on this pumpkin!”
I think kids now days have seen too much violence. I was babysitting my 4-year old grandson last week. There was a sale on pumpkins. I mean huge pumpkins! I mean they were this BIG around! He picked out the biggest one. It was huge! And only $4.
As I carried it to the pickup I asked what kind of face we should carve on it.
He said, “Let’s just blow it up!”
After watching the dangers of carving, I think he may be on to something.
Later, Dean
Dean Meyer is an area rancher and former North Dakota State Senator. His ‘Hat Tips’ column can be found in papers all across the state.